Texts From Last Night

trackstar2012's Favorites Texts:

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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.

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  (309): Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins. http://tfl.nu/lj1p
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  How was the bike ride?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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  (734): How was the bike ride? (1-734): Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups. http://tfl.nu/2qrl
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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  (910): I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight. http://tfl.nu/7vg9
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
  Replies (98) Good night (32302) Bad night (3093) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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  (208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g
  Replies (27) Good night (8403) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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  (440): You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music http://tfl.nu/f2pv
  Replies (48) Good night (16989) Bad night (1019) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing

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  (845): I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing http://tfl.nu/4411
  Replies (24) Good night (4979) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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  (904): i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall http://tfl.nu/fpdq
  Replies (36) Good night (7930) Bad night (592)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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  (773): I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit http://tfl.nu/6wkt
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  (818): View more from California

  my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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  (818): my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you http://tfl.nu/x2i9
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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  (303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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  (401): she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride. http://tfl.nu/b4k2
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  (845): View more from New York

  Because ur a stupid bitch

  (1-845): View more from New York

  Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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  (845): Because ur a stupid bitch (1-845): Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch. http://tfl.nu/0sjk
  Replies (54) Good night (10788) Bad night (854) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.

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  (205): Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault. http://tfl.nu/rtqq
  Replies (20) Good night (1334) Bad night (4128) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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  (973): grab my backpack.....its in the fridge http://tfl.nu/prjt
  Replies (19) Good night (7495) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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  (843): when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home. http://tfl.nu/096s
  Replies (33) Good night (11608) Bad night (939)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

  (256): View more from Alabama

  everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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  (205): Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga.. (256): everythings easier when your wearing a toga. http://tfl.nu/a4vc
  Replies (22) Good night (6745) Bad night (617)
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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  (931): drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/1e3m
  Replies (27) Good night (6054) Bad night (970) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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  (270): It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night http://tfl.nu/y9wt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it

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  (503): I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it http://tfl.nu/jqdj
  Replies (12) Good night (1090) Bad night (4577) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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  (925): DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR http://tfl.nu/ynfk
  Replies (42) Good night (10636) Bad night (1002) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter

  (310): View more from California

  Whats your twitter name

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  (917): omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter (310): Whats your twitter name http://tfl.nu/jdyv
  Replies (8) Good night (421) Bad night (2277)
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  (212): View more from New York

  dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?

  (1-212): View more from New York

  idk but i think it had a face

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  (212): dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night? (1-212): idk but i think it had a face http://tfl.nu/y33v
  Replies (15) Good night (480) Bad night (1173) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination

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  (614): Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination http://tfl.nu/cegt
  Replies (1) Good night (1516) Bad night (259) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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  (401): i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush. http://tfl.nu/l70n
  Replies (16) Good night (6514) Bad night (2043) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

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  (205): i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL! http://tfl.nu/gtw6
  Replies (92) Good night (1335) Bad night (3885) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm coming over.

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  (281): I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay. (713): I'm coming over. http://tfl.nu/32wi
  Replies (30) Good night (3758) Bad night (821)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle

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  (810): This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle http://tfl.nu/hm2k
  Replies (23) Good night (362) Bad night (1121) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?

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  (301): why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher? http://tfl.nu/k3ff
  Replies (18) Good night (3940) Bad night (384) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  my sisters under your porch take her home

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  (254): my sisters under your porch take her home http://tfl.nu/rfs3
  Replies (10) Good night (4497) Bad night (864) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter

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  (215): i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter http://tfl.nu/d1e8
  Replies (62) Good night (538) Bad night (2774) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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  (484): we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed. http://tfl.nu/819f
  Replies (24) Good night (10574) Bad night (774) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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  (702): You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever. http://tfl.nu/mih5
  Replies (13) Good night (4800) Bad night (910) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts

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  (703): i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts http://tfl.nu/gdmu
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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  (613): The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches. http://tfl.nu/uy09
  Replies (29) Good night (9429) Bad night (731)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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  (973): Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car http://tfl.nu/9e8r
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  (516): View more from New York

  If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.

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  (516): If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals. http://tfl.nu/q4jm
  Replies (9) Good night (543) Bad night (1089) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  you're drinking in the law library????

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  ...not a bad idea....

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  probably not a good idea either.

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  (978): you're drinking in the law library???? (978): ...not a bad idea.... (508): probably not a good idea either. http://tfl.nu/gi3r
  Replies (28) Good night (955) Bad night (249)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant

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  (774): if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant http://tfl.nu/blow
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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  (479): Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody. http://tfl.nu/gh8f
  Replies (17) Good night (6877) Bad night (741) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

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  (508): Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one. http://tfl.nu/qdhb
  Replies (17) Good night (3605) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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  (585): please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad. http://tfl.nu/8fn1
  Replies (68) Good night (11372) Bad night (2499)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol

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  (603): i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol http://tfl.nu/nbdg
  Replies (28) Good night (5703) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..

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  (916): You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you.. http://tfl.nu/8fyi
  Replies (24) Good night (687) Bad night (8892) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  She's like a pop up book from hell.

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  (716): She's like a pop up book from hell. http://tfl.nu/grf5
  Replies (18) Good night (758) Bad night (3797) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
  Replies (34) Good night (14716) Bad night (607)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  What does that mean?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  How when the cu k dos I yet u

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Focus

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  (248): fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!! (1-248): What does that mean? (248): How when the cu k dos I yet u (1-248): Focus http://tfl.nu/kvgv
  Replies (13) Good night (1405) Bad night (331)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Prob not but she was surprised

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  (773): When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate" (312): Prob not but she was surprised http://tfl.nu/a9jx
  Replies (2) Good night (1261) Bad night (362)
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  (619): View more from California

  I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity

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  (619): I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity http://tfl.nu/ljia
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening

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  (732): and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening http://tfl.nu/8ijj
  Replies (17) Good night (811) Bad night (4188) Order T-Shirt
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning

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  (709): I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning http://tfl.nu/z1rc
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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  (908): when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave. http://tfl.nu/35vg
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.

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  (309): i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night. http://tfl.nu/g32e
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1

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  (517): The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1 http://tfl.nu/3zzc
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Thanks for getting me home last night.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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  (281): Thanks for getting me home last night. (832): No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa. http://tfl.nu/wftp
  Replies (29) Good night (8571) Bad night (715)
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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  (905): so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever. http://tfl.nu/wzae
  Replies (126) Good night (22033) Bad night (1353) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk

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  (218): No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk http://tfl.nu/i2q3
  Replies (22) Good night (960) Bad night (4155) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I have a critically important question to ask.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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  (519): I have a critically important question to ask. (519): Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist? http://tfl.nu/val5
  Replies (43) Good night (4999) Bad night (1090)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented

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  (618): bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented http://tfl.nu/qz6v
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.

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  (386): I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to. http://tfl.nu/dqrr
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  (646): View more from New York

  If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.

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  (646): If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over. http://tfl.nu/pts9
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  (949): View more from California

  youre so sexy i want your bod

  (410): View more from Maryland

  dude, did you turn gay?

  (949): View more from California

  heather?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  this is jacob

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  (949): youre so sexy i want your bod (410): dude, did you turn gay? (949): heather? (410): this is jacob http://tfl.nu/gn2b
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  doesn't he have a girlfriend???

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  yeah...who do you think woke us up...

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  (504): dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed! (985): doesn't he have a girlfriend??? (504): yeah...who do you think woke us up... http://tfl.nu/43kf
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I only kidnapped one of them. chill

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  (205): I only kidnapped one of them. chill http://tfl.nu/ogw5
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  Me specifically?

  (903): View more from Texas

  Yep.

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  (903): Today in psych we learned that you are a whore. (1-314): Me specifically? (903): Yep. http://tfl.nu/w818
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...

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  (703): something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas... http://tfl.nu/emnc
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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  (604): I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you. http://tfl.nu/twb2
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...

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  (757): If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up... http://tfl.nu/b9ou
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  (512): View more from Texas

  The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Yes. For all mankind please do.

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  (512): The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her? (319): Yes. For all mankind please do. http://tfl.nu/4jly
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I think that's fair trade off

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  (910): He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj (910): I think that's fair trade off http://tfl.nu/hrzk
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like

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  (407): I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like http://tfl.nu/v7ql
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.

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  (330): She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning. http://tfl.nu/zuj3
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  (512): View more from Texas

  hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.

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  (512): hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one? (1-512): yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go. http://tfl.nu/pwrk
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Just cropdusted the office

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  (443): Just cropdusted the office http://tfl.nu/i6zb
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?

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  (216): ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex? http://tfl.nu/h39u
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

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  (617): You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable. http://tfl.nu/i02t
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl

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  (434): ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl http://tfl.nu/vx26
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  (941): View more from Florida

  thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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  (941): thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated. http://tfl.nu/xw0x
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.

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  (504): Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to. http://tfl.nu/jn1k
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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  (773): I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow http://tfl.nu/1xbr
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.

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  (715): I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one. http://tfl.nu/ogtf
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  (818): View more from California

  what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?

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  (818): what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand? http://tfl.nu/e114
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

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  (775): somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car. http://tfl.nu/3f74
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.

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  (484): I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid. http://tfl.nu/8dyc
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  (831): View more from California

  I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.

  (1-831): View more from California

  Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable

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  (831): I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines. (1-831): Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable http://tfl.nu/f2l0
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

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  (570): If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid. http://tfl.nu/ujtp
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.

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  (609): ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked. http://tfl.nu/ufr2
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  (631): View more from New York

  He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...

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  (631): He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now... http://tfl.nu/8b9i
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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  (604): I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked... http://tfl.nu/ab3l
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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  (708): I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you. http://tfl.nu/rvgi
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Anal astronaut?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Wow word travels fast.

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  (732): Anal astronaut? (847): Wow word travels fast. http://tfl.nu/to7g
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Lets date for the summer

  (815): View more from Illinois

  what?

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Dont love me in September.

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  (480): Lets date for the summer (815): what? (480): Dont love me in September. http://tfl.nu/x30e
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  (916): View more from California

  She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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  (916): She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad http://tfl.nu/bnzk
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer

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  (734): wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer http://tfl.nu/eltm
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I love you

  (720): View more from Colorado

  are you drunk

  (440): View more from Ohio

  yes but I def love you, we should get married

  (720): View more from Colorado

  But I'm Jewish

  (440): View more from Ohio

  embrace Jesus

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  (440): I love you (720): are you drunk (440): yes but I def love you, we should get married (720): But I'm Jewish (440): embrace Jesus http://tfl.nu/v32c
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.

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  (513): I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties. http://tfl.nu/yluk
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance

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  (918): Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance http://tfl.nu/628h
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes

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  (443): And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes http://tfl.nu/p6zo
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  (718): View more from New York

  what happened last night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

  (718): View more from New York

  that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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  (718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.

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  (860): when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage. http://tfl.nu/ckot
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon

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  (785): It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon http://tfl.nu/mcj5
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.

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  (440): i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends. http://tfl.nu/xfyh
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court

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  (816): His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court http://tfl.nu/ow7w
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  (707): View more from California

  Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

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  (707): Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo. http://tfl.nu/dtd1
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  its not stalking. its research.

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  (610): its not stalking. its research. http://tfl.nu/qywi
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Dont! You were just serving you country

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  (770): So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now... (404): Dont! You were just serving you country http://tfl.nu/lcsl
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.

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  (207): Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present. http://tfl.nu/yqaq
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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  (612): I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical http://tfl.nu/u7u5
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru

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  (573): i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru http://tfl.nu/xoee
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  (714): View more from California

  she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.

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  (714): she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt. http://tfl.nu/52xp
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?

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  (908): do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card? http://tfl.nu/jvvm
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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  (270): I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea? http://tfl.nu/h6xa
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.

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  (810): I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages. http://tfl.nu/0oct
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  (516): View more from New York

  It was kind of weird

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  What did your mom walk in?

  (516): View more from New York

  She flung her tampon across the room.

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  (516): It was kind of weird (857): What did your mom walk in? (516): She flung her tampon across the room. http://tfl.nu/h6pq
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.

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  (985): BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART (601): Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know. http://tfl.nu/j9ff
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  (956): View more from Texas

  If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?

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  (956): If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you? http://tfl.nu/uuhm
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.

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  (732): pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom. http://tfl.nu/lqbf
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.

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  (865): One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat. http://tfl.nu/8o5d
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  people would bow to what i just did to her vagina

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  (901): people would bow to what i just did to her vagina http://tfl.nu/rxjb
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.

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  (828): there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not. http://tfl.nu/i6ea
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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  (302): she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to => http://tfl.nu/cnq4
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  (805): View more from California

  She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up

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  (805): She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up http://tfl.nu/rsnf
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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  (917): Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman http://tfl.nu/t3mw
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  (516): View more from New York

  i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.

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  (516): i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles. http://tfl.nu/x8s9
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  (210): View more from Texas

  she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice

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  (210): she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice http://tfl.nu/lxs5
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  you guys were way drunker than both of me

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  (612): you guys were way drunker than both of me http://tfl.nu/x140
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.

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  (317): just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude. http://tfl.nu/5gs4
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.

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  (520): I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs. http://tfl.nu/cv5b
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  he broke up with me so i peed in his bed

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  (503): he broke up with me so i peed in his bed http://tfl.nu/g0ev
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.

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  (413): There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/whxc
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  (916): View more from California

  do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?

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  (916): do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won? http://tfl.nu/7jg6
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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  (734): just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies" http://tfl.nu/wh5q
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant

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  (425): i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant http://tfl.nu/up0m
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
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  (310): View more from California

  ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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  (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

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  (512): Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits. http://tfl.nu/amvg
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  But what if I pay for the gas?

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  (303): I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain. (720): Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic. (303): But what if I pay for the gas? http://tfl.nu/j2h0
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.

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  (780): Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah. http://tfl.nu/5le1
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  what?

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  your penis

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  (479): hey, can i borrow that thing you never use? (1-479): what? (479): your penis http://tfl.nu/2nga
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.

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  (703): I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians. http://tfl.nu/fsi0
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  (386): View more from Florida

  That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.

  (954): View more from Florida

  Apparently hers is a theme park.

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  (386): That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground. (954): Apparently hers is a theme park. http://tfl.nu/yoy4
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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  (304): You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me. http://tfl.nu/fshf
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.

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  (802): I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover. http://tfl.nu/tbtl
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