Texts From Last Night

mlecir's Favorites Texts:

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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  it is a toga and you are a goddess.

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  (615): In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted (1-615): it is a toga and you are a goddess. http://tfl.nu/2t04
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober

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  (571): Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober http://tfl.nu/ny6e
  Replies (22) Good night (5614) Bad night (892)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?

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  (570): is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs? http://tfl.nu/dpsw
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

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  (859): make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through. http://tfl.nu/bvv7
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Are you high?

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  (630): Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"? (1-630): Are you high? http://tfl.nu/3xxd
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  (972): View more from Texas

  You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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  (972): You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry" http://tfl.nu/fk1l
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  There's always time for handjobs

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  (573): There's always time for handjobs http://tfl.nu/m1ol
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

  (313): View more from Michigan

  He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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  (313): I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot (313): He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all http://tfl.nu/6st3
  Replies (23) Good night (7284) Bad night (543)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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  (651): Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love. http://tfl.nu/7dfa
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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  (404): Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby http://tfl.nu/eqgg
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  you have got to be kidding?

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  (440): why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex. (1-440): you have got to be kidding? http://tfl.nu/stk6
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.

  (917): View more from New York City

  dollar well spent

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  (802): last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears. (917): dollar well spent http://tfl.nu/wmsi
  Replies (15) Good night (2973) Bad night (494)
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  (619): View more from California

  Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!

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  (619): Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant! http://tfl.nu/toiz
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I cherish every text you send me

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  (410): I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland (412): I cherish every text you send me http://tfl.nu/05mc
  Replies (49) Good night (5795) Bad night (467)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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  (706): I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant. http://tfl.nu/0cvw
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE

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  (203): We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE http://tfl.nu/bmko
  Replies (7) Good night (3373) Bad night (558)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
  Replies (34) Good night (14716) Bad night (607)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.

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  (815): i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past. http://tfl.nu/fh9a
  Replies (4) Good night (1668) Bad night (699) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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  (978): Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die... http://tfl.nu/7pmw
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward

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  (410): I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward http://tfl.nu/w0c9
  Replies (10) Good night (2943) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.

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  (573): You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up. (816): Sorry about that. Except for the cookies. http://tfl.nu/ub9m
  Replies (6) Good night (2719) Bad night (432)
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

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  (601): I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise. http://tfl.nu/o61x
  Replies (30) Good night (5034) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

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  (740): Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed? http://tfl.nu/4keg
  Replies (12) Good night (2447) Bad night (704) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training

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  (519): I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training http://tfl.nu/kvls
  Replies (10) Good night (2787) Bad night (1515) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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  (608): all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!'' http://tfl.nu/g7vx
  Replies (22) Good night (6626) Bad night (556)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

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  (+44): You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point. http://tfl.nu/tew1
  Replies (19) Good night (3777) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

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  (845): well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back http://tfl.nu/xxu5
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta

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  (814): She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta http://tfl.nu/cr5h
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  (206): View more from Washington

  do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

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  (206): do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP" http://tfl.nu/bthl
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  (315): View more from New York

  There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  its Wednesday...

  (315): View more from New York

  they're reeeeeally big trays

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  (315): There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge. (440): its Wednesday... (315): they're reeeeeally big trays http://tfl.nu/bwkn
  Replies (7) Good night (2685) Bad night (643)
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  (716): View more from New York

  Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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  (716): Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases http://tfl.nu/lpic
  Replies (14) Good night (4774) Bad night (810)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  oh. my. god. yes.

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  (360): i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life. (1-360): oh. my. god. yes. http://tfl.nu/jrnd
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be

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  (+61): i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be http://tfl.nu/xlfe
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  (518): View more from New York

  i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  did it start talking like on Land before time?

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  (518): i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur (413): did it start talking like on Land before time? http://tfl.nu/4v1u
  Replies (12) Good night (3747) Bad night (429)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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  (860): letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs http://tfl.nu/yswk
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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  (937): Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon! http://tfl.nu/1aph
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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  (647): You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened. http://tfl.nu/1lek
  Replies (32) Good night (17279) Bad night (531) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.

  (323): View more from California

  Sounds like a plan.

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  (818): If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him. (323): Sounds like a plan. http://tfl.nu/lnib
  Replies (33) Good night (8048) Bad night (652)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.

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  (828): he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art. http://tfl.nu/yesh
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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  (602): You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary. http://tfl.nu/hnqx
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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  (301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh
  Replies (71) Good night (18809) Bad night (1479) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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  (202): you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry. http://tfl.nu/e7cu
  Replies (9) Good night (6859) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?

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  (609): why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album? http://tfl.nu/4xxo
  Replies (28) Good night (659) Bad night (3348) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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  (314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college... http://tfl.nu/a15y
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.

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  (815): It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina. http://tfl.nu/o9qo
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina

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  (870): It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina http://tfl.nu/15cg
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  (646): View more from New York

  lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact

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  (646): lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact http://tfl.nu/9ru6
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

  (678): View more from Georgia

  So... What happend then?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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  (404): She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating" (678): So... What happend then? (404): We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM. http://tfl.nu/3t62
  Replies (49) Good night (10749) Bad night (2189)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

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  (708): Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic. http://tfl.nu/b2ov
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  (818): View more from California

  he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.

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  (818): he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon. http://tfl.nu/n681
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.

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  (401): I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family. http://tfl.nu/wak4
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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  (336): you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them http://tfl.nu/fxdr
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Woah.

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  that's not how you spell hell yes.

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  (918): you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you? (1-918): Woah. (918): that's not how you spell hell yes. http://tfl.nu/i519
  Replies (56) Good night (6958) Bad night (854)
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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  (469): Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them http://tfl.nu/zk8b
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.

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  (701): First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to. http://tfl.nu/orps
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.

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  (540): I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge. http://tfl.nu/mw98
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  4 words: hood of his car

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  (402): 4 words: hood of his car http://tfl.nu/fuox
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  (805): View more from California

  Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.

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  (805): Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras. http://tfl.nu/u72n
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.

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  (309): I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard. http://tfl.nu/r907
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.

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  (501): I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to. http://tfl.nu/jfhh
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

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  (801): He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex. http://tfl.nu/rz6s
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter

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  (330): I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter http://tfl.nu/ep47
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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  (203): Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed. http://tfl.nu/aqi9
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario

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  (314): I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario http://tfl.nu/9b6y
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.

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  (910): No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate. http://tfl.nu/lhje
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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  (917): Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us. http://tfl.nu/44xm
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  (406): View more from Montana

  apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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  (406): apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone... http://tfl.nu/2d2g
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  (727): View more from Florida

  its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

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  (727): its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics http://tfl.nu/k6wq
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

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  (801): He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me. http://tfl.nu/9uhs
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night

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  (202): but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night http://tfl.nu/v5ja
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.

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  (910): Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job. http://tfl.nu/jru8
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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  (920): just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch. http://tfl.nu/t841
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.

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  (613): Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this. http://tfl.nu/j53e
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

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  (610): I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed. http://tfl.nu/xw1f
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

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  (928): On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory. http://tfl.nu/gw1o
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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  (802): i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11. http://tfl.nu/k8vl
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?

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  (519): Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin? http://tfl.nu/eyam
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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  (814): when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged http://tfl.nu/78pb
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret

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  (613): Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret http://tfl.nu/ksru
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

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  (815): you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night. http://tfl.nu/m1vr
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  (509): View more from Washington

  You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.

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  (509): You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you. http://tfl.nu/aqxp
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  (954): View more from Florida

  you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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  (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now http://tfl.nu/39yk
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

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  (630): We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas. http://tfl.nu/1h9b
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  on my way.

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  (702): they just started filling water ballons with vodka. (1-702): on my way. http://tfl.nu/jo3z
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.

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  (612): The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable. http://tfl.nu/wu9y
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done

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  (307): Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done http://tfl.nu/wa0d
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg

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  (509): I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg http://tfl.nu/tr8k
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

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  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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  (850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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  (816): I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since. http://tfl.nu/s9zv
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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  (905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there. http://tfl.nu/fkqx
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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  (813): I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me. http://tfl.nu/z6eo
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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  (812): The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean? http://tfl.nu/84o9
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  (212): View more from New York

  ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

  (1-212): View more from New York

  this is Aaron, hi

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  (212): ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud? (1-212): this is Aaron, hi http://tfl.nu/ackd
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  (714): View more from California

  Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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  (714): Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me http://tfl.nu/5ujc
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
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  (949): View more from California

  just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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  (949): just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will." http://tfl.nu/pn0l
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so horny!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so hungry

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  For your pussy...

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  (508): I'm so horny! (781): I'm so hungry (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY! (781): For your pussy... http://tfl.nu/7j50
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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  (954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza http://tfl.nu/fivz
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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  (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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  (918): And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2. http://tfl.nu/m96w
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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  (215): Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf. http://tfl.nu/0na3
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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  (814): We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad. http://tfl.nu/0kg4
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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  (434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed? (540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets. http://tfl.nu/2g4o
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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  (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
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  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.

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  (513): I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star. http://tfl.nu/6ohf
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  (925): View more from California

  She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

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  (925): She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard. http://tfl.nu/tszy
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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  (603): No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative http://tfl.nu/aljj
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.

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  (575): I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together. http://tfl.nu/r2dz
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

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  (570): My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station. http://tfl.nu/3ja7
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  (415): View more from California

  He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.

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  (415): He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her. http://tfl.nu/kc95
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

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  (804): she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart" http://tfl.nu/96tn
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  (772): View more from Florida

  it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night

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  (772): it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night http://tfl.nu/3jc9
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week

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  (+44): He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week http://tfl.nu/00sr
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  school has made you so classy.

  (514): View more from Quebec

  that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.

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  (780): school has made you so classy. (514): that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884. http://tfl.nu/r8mz
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?

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  (205): Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in? http://tfl.nu/qt1z
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  (914): View more from New York

  something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..

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  (914): something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined.. http://tfl.nu/wloj
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  (831): View more from California

  Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"

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  (831): Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?" http://tfl.nu/5mox
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.

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  (229): I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight. http://tfl.nu/g7ms
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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  (313): She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list. http://tfl.nu/ifsp
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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  (337): Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times. http://tfl.nu/ao6t
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister

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  (973): I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister http://tfl.nu/i2jt
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  (607): View more from New York

  You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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  (607): You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me http://tfl.nu/ry9s
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (818): View more from California

  Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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  (818): Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested. http://tfl.nu/vry7
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had

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  (440): omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had http://tfl.nu/fpfu
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that

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  (407): I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that http://tfl.nu/57uu
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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  (520): normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees. http://tfl.nu/d0ki
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