I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.