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Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my being single is dangerous.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you didnt know i had herpes?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just threw up on my dentist
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
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