She is in my trunk
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You are a genius and a whore.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
