Texts From Last Night

vajayjay69's Favorites Texts:

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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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  (910): I just made Jack Daniels snow cones. http://tfl.nu/ca8x
  Replies (22) Good night (7881) Bad night (875) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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  (601): He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows. http://tfl.nu/pp93
  Replies (15) Good night (6725) Bad night (1793) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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  (701): Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/s47d
  Replies (13) Good night (6827) Bad night (913) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes

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  (410): i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes http://tfl.nu/11ee
  Replies (13) Good night (1935) Bad night (2843) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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  (847): I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem http://tfl.nu/9xlk
  Replies (16) Good night (5170) Bad night (915) Order T-Shirt
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  (876): View more from Jamaica

  After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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  (876): After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone http://tfl.nu/ammv
  Replies (32) Good night (8259) Bad night (1105) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her

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  (540): hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her http://tfl.nu/8ahn
  Replies (19) Good night (10949) Bad night (1204)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

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  (859): you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do http://tfl.nu/7olq
  Replies (5) Good night (5140) Bad night (1223) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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  (845): You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately. http://tfl.nu/vwdv
  Replies (9) Good night (5473) Bad night (909)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

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  (717): They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had http://tfl.nu/qmkc
  Replies (46) Good night (4710) Bad night (1569) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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  (917): I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant http://tfl.nu/lnj1
  Replies (40) Good night (4827) Bad night (1438) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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  (801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often. http://tfl.nu/6bnz
  Replies (31) Good night (10358) Bad night (1049)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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  (918): There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters http://tfl.nu/8485
  Replies (83) Good night (11165) Bad night (1743) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!

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  (336): Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!! http://tfl.nu/krm8
  Replies (20) Good night (6454) Bad night (850) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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  (860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz
  Replies (16) Good night (8201) Bad night (1125) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  tequila makes me forget i have legs

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  (250): tequila makes me forget i have legs http://tfl.nu/9rzk
  Replies (25) Good night (5983) Bad night (1078) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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  (281): Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's. http://tfl.nu/ot6m
  Replies (137) Good night (6773) Bad night (5335) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.

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  (612): we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour. http://tfl.nu/nwj9
  Replies (11) Good night (4244) Bad night (1215) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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  (304): I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God." http://tfl.nu/1oy5
  Replies (21) Good night (10075) Bad night (1320) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

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  (623): My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck. http://tfl.nu/ymmz
  Replies (24) Good night (4237) Bad night (2018) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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  (978): went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed http://tfl.nu/x5dq
  Replies (53) Good night (11298) Bad night (1241) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands

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  (304): you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands http://tfl.nu/eruj
  Replies (12) Good night (2820) Bad night (1392) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
  Replies (51) Good night (17101) Bad night (1385)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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  (973): his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed http://tfl.nu/wvyq
  Replies (59) Good night (12980) Bad night (2179) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
  Replies (22) Good night (14669) Bad night (1069)
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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  (204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?" (1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/2hl0
  Replies (17) Good night (7027) Bad night (1003)
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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  (862): Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside http://tfl.nu/iwzn
  Replies (23) Good night (1158) Bad night (5326) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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  (919): It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it" http://tfl.nu/8bv4
  Replies (11) Good night (5231) Bad night (850) Order T-Shirt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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  (514): He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic. http://tfl.nu/4dpi
  Replies (38) Good night (11897) Bad night (1009) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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  (864): i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room http://tfl.nu/jsw5
  Replies (22) Good night (7777) Bad night (1216) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting

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  (518): i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting http://tfl.nu/x71w
  Replies (13) Good night (2729) Bad night (2778) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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  (352): I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way. http://tfl.nu/qonl
  Replies (34) Good night (5924) Bad night (2085) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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  (937): He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst? http://tfl.nu/5xe1
  Replies (67) Good night (1523) Bad night (25588) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  can your parents tell?

  (310): View more from California

  i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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  (310): can your parents tell? (310): i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know http://tfl.nu/rda5
  Replies (26) Good night (9419) Bad night (1332)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

  (409): View more from Texas

  That was definitely the right answer.

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  (406): She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her. (409): That was definitely the right answer. http://tfl.nu/zisl
  Replies (19) Good night (6615) Bad night (1016)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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  (864): so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence. http://tfl.nu/nvim
  Replies (20) Good night (7609) Bad night (907) Order T-Shirt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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  (514): His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn. http://tfl.nu/voym
  Replies (44) Good night (10205) Bad night (1666) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed

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  (303): He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed http://tfl.nu/muwj
  Replies (21) Good night (4976) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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  (785): Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox http://tfl.nu/t30w
  Replies (38) Good night (8260) Bad night (918) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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  (303): He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk! http://tfl.nu/z1cd
  Replies (27) Good night (9065) Bad night (3963) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.

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  (520): Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day. http://tfl.nu/urgx
  Replies (6) Good night (4730) Bad night (822) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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  (760): My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this? http://tfl.nu/9ow4
  Replies (8) Good night (7173) Bad night (832) Order T-Shirt
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  (830): View more from Texas

  Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.

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  (830): Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk. http://tfl.nu/y7vc
  Replies (15) Good night (1239) Bad night (3647) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

  (317): View more from Indiana

  all hypothetical of course

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  (317): if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all? (317): all hypothetical of course http://tfl.nu/v0tg
  Replies (14) Good night (5370) Bad night (1104)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team

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  (978): i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team http://tfl.nu/fnfy
  Replies (24) Good night (1097) Bad night (4708) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

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  (513): She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited.... http://tfl.nu/lzs9
  Replies (16) Good night (5043) Bad night (951) Order T-Shirt
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.

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  (928): she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college. http://tfl.nu/99x7
  Replies (50) Good night (9132) Bad night (1023) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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  (404): He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying http://tfl.nu/0ccm
  Replies (8) Good night (3140) Bad night (3900) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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  (773): Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat. http://tfl.nu/qnu6
  Replies (31) Good night (4196) Bad night (5055) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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  (214): It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil... http://tfl.nu/iyla
  Replies (24) Good night (4661) Bad night (1853) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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  (218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u
  Replies (43) Good night (7893) Bad night (2356) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  it was like having sex with a tree stump

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  (702): it was like having sex with a tree stump http://tfl.nu/4ao5
  Replies (36) Good night (1093) Bad night (6510) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
  Replies (42) Good night (3594) Bad night (8913) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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  (724): She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring. http://tfl.nu/wizw
  Replies (24) Good night (8578) Bad night (1358) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

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  (519): we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault" http://tfl.nu/rtah
  Replies (7) Good night (4618) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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  (413): In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does. http://tfl.nu/f5ii
  Replies (48) Good night (7729) Bad night (1810)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
  Replies (123) Good night (46584) Bad night (1692)
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  (315): View more from New York

  She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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  (315): She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this... http://tfl.nu/h8y9
  Replies (50) Good night (12007) Bad night (1473)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.

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  (405): Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts. http://tfl.nu/kf4k
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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  (773): Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name. http://tfl.nu/27vq
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

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  (404): he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off http://tfl.nu/rmt4
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on

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  (610): you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on http://tfl.nu/unra
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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  (210): I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink http://tfl.nu/9ici
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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  (+61): I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude. http://tfl.nu/5t8b
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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  (734): A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country. http://tfl.nu/okwk
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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  (513): sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces. http://tfl.nu/5w4e
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  (210): View more from Texas

  she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

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  (210): she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate? http://tfl.nu/d0z4
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

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  (765): I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work. http://tfl.nu/q42i
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  (516): View more from New York

  His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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  (516): His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps. http://tfl.nu/q0ub
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...

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  (727): Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons... http://tfl.nu/8jcz
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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  (850): Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual. http://tfl.nu/97w0
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  (409): View more from Texas

  First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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  (409): First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance. http://tfl.nu/3lur
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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  (978): he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey. http://tfl.nu/pfjh
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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  (810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs http://tfl.nu/dxeo
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  (949): View more from California

  The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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  (949): The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women. http://tfl.nu/zhxo
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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  (219): My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout? http://tfl.nu/0knj
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.

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  (563): The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/t1x0
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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  (480): Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars. http://tfl.nu/f73b
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

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  (406): I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing. http://tfl.nu/w8ww
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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  (404): Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption. http://tfl.nu/47c6
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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  (404): you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are. http://tfl.nu/yq64
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?

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  (971): you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything? http://tfl.nu/ldjb
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.

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  (804): I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay. http://tfl.nu/7iul
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  Are your eyes okay

  (260): View more from Indiana

  I mean if I was Asian they would be

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  (260): So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes (1-260): Are your eyes okay (260): I mean if I was Asian they would be http://tfl.nu/l3r4
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?

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  (703): My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned? http://tfl.nu/h3av
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We stopped her at 12

  (708): View more from Illinois

  12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Which answer would freak you out less

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  (630): We stopped her at 12 (708): 12 shots? Or 12 midnight? (630): Which answer would freak you out less http://tfl.nu/edb4
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (619): View more from California

  my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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  (619): my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew. http://tfl.nu/qfs0
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

  (231): View more from Michigan

  OMG its one we used last night

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  (231): Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing" (231): OMG its one we used last night http://tfl.nu/jpyf
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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  (425): I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B. http://tfl.nu/2oen
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  (707): View more from California

  I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.

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  (707): I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday. http://tfl.nu/uhpk
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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  (706): I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face. http://tfl.nu/e8qy
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.

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  (757): i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone. http://tfl.nu/mzb6
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  (415): View more from California

  how hairy? two words: wookie tits

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  (415): how hairy? two words: wookie tits http://tfl.nu/0tmt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.

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  (201): Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her. http://tfl.nu/wlqs
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  you should probably use water

  (440): View more from Ohio

  i dont have any

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  (440): do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water? (1-440): you should probably use water (440): i dont have any http://tfl.nu/eak0
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high

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  (774): dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high http://tfl.nu/yu6x
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box

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  (215): I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box http://tfl.nu/43kr
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  what's Bukake?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  a bad idea.

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  (513): what's Bukake? (1-513): a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/i91o
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.

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  (314): Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins. http://tfl.nu/7xw4
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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  (954): I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M http://tfl.nu/v1d0
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..

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  (314): When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar.. http://tfl.nu/d5fi
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.

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  (720): Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly. http://tfl.nu/yfkr
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  (408): View more from California

  They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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  (408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp
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  (530): View more from California

  I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

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  (530): I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon. http://tfl.nu/vb88
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (718): View more from New York

  You don't think I'm weird or immature right?

  (917): View more from New York City

  No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets

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  (718): You don't think I'm weird or immature right? (917): No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets http://tfl.nu/6cpc
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.

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  (313): i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small. http://tfl.nu/i072
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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  (561): I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date http://tfl.nu/ynms
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?

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  (443): hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"? http://tfl.nu/cmo1
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  (904): View more from Florida

  When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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  (904): When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit" http://tfl.nu/bodh
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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  (519): her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs http://tfl.nu/0f09
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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  (314): My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF? http://tfl.nu/cban
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all

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  (603): his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all http://tfl.nu/y0um
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him

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  (484): he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him http://tfl.nu/d2zc
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  she sounds like chewbacca in bed

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  (978): she sounds like chewbacca in bed http://tfl.nu/5g24
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP

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  (307): yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP http://tfl.nu/4nbd
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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  (+44): swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself. http://tfl.nu/6r98
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  (253): View more from Washington

  when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot

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  (253): when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot http://tfl.nu/f16k
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"

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  (305): I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez" http://tfl.nu/8edj
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth

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  (313): you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth http://tfl.nu/33ft
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (325): View more from Texas

  wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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  (325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah" http://tfl.nu/d8s5
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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  (308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad http://tfl.nu/3y6v
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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  (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?

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  (617): it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right? http://tfl.nu/n56d
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  yeah thats usually a good indication.

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  (317): i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face.. (1-317): yeah thats usually a good indication. http://tfl.nu/79nx
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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  (720): This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread. http://tfl.nu/5lzr
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  (210): View more from Texas

  You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...

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  (210): You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink... http://tfl.nu/o571
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  (516): View more from New York

  Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.

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  (516): Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand. http://tfl.nu/xjsp
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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  (757): He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds. http://tfl.nu/ihy8
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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  (309): so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished. http://tfl.nu/wbty
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"

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  (905): while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger" http://tfl.nu/ftph
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