Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
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She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
it glows. i had to have it.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You're my little dorito
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I wish I could punch you in the face.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I wanna bring you to show and tell
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
love makes seman taste better
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
zippers are such a cool invention
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed