i jhust puked up my retainher.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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