Texts From Last Night · Burrit0's Favorites

Sorry JessMSU hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Burrit0's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

Fav 56 16893 1911
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

Fav 25 10802 1901
share tweet

(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

Fav 19 11273 1741
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

Fav 24 10366 2496
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

Fav 37 16402 1542
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

Fav 50 20775 2682
share tweet

(713): View more from Texas

I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

Fav 41 5678 1312
share tweet

(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

Fav 55 22258 1881
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

Fav 9 5530 1316
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

Fav 17 9068 1496
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

Fav 22 11144 2456
share tweet

(678): View more from Georgia

When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

Fav 23 6414 1621
share tweet

(203): View more from Connecticut

we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.

Fav 3 3156 1133
share tweet
(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

Fav 24 7182 2152
share tweet

(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

Fav 5 6552 1763
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country

Fav 16 5142 1198
share tweet
(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

Fav 34 17974 2089
share tweet
(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

Fav 17 8360 1375
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

Fav 18 4679 1230
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

Fav 6 4291 998
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

Fav 40 2205 6951
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

Fav 17 8077 1415
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

Fav 28 4139 1742
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot

Fav 27 7490 1739
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

Fav 19 6273 1628
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

Fav 14 9394 1294
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

Fav 51 13679 1687
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

Fav 34 8629 1337
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

Fav 19 7706 1579
share tweet
(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

Fav 80 14873 2885
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

Fav 32 8124 1553
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

Fav 82 9787 1605
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

Fav 39 7477 1808
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

Fav 24 8146 1758
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

Fav 22 8164 2493
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

Fav 31 1887 5165
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

Fav 25 9952 1393
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

Fav 119 41647 2326
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.

Fav 21 5114 1338
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

Fav 26 9014 1784
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.

Fav 16 4905 1362
share tweet
(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

Fav 22 14761 1537
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

Fav 17 9676 1694
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

Fav 29 6573 1602
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that

Fav 22 5777 1682
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

Fav 52 12835 2084
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48824 2422
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

Fav 48 8333 2401
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

Fav 46 15408 1888
share tweet
(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

Fav 23 8005 1463
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

Fav 35 5564 2104
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

Fav 39 13298 1706
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

Fav 56 16525 2168
share tweet
(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

Fav 21 8408 1736
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

Fav 52 10723 1660
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

Fav 83 18221 2405
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26629 1762
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13126 1907
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

Fav 89 10417 2116
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35243 2056
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

Fav 28 17224 1869
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

Fav 20 7402 2127
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35343 4428
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

Fav 45 2305 6051
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

Fav 28 6243 1625
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

Fav 30 14195 1647
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17094 1832
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

Fav 20 10280 2242
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

Fav 27 16988 1528
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'

Fav 9 6871 1325
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

Fav 26 18310 1757
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning

Fav 40 5552 2082
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

Fav 21 6178 1594
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

Fav 83 3101 8676
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

Fav 16 6133 1354
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

Fav 41 18826 1666
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

Fav 40 15155 1518
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

Fav 33 13419 2006
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

Fav 32 10090 2435
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

Fav 31 5915 1419
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.

(760): View more from California

Wow.

Fav 16 4556 1802
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

Fav 44 13895 1616
share tweet
(925): View more from California

After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.

Fav 17 4772 1296
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.

Fav 24 5715 1745
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

Fav 30 10027 1601
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

Fav 16 11135 2014
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

Fav 27 6247 1305
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

Fav 11 6652 1379
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

Fav 50 9907 1689
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

Fav 25 9704 1476
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

Fav 32 8935 1377
share tweet
(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

Fav 24 12390 1705
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome

Fav 13 6367 1223
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

Fav 23 7420 1789
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin

Fav 11 6173 1398
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�

Fav 15 7551 1473
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

Fav 6 7152 1500
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him

Fav 15 3787 2249
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.

Fav 28 6095 1446
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again

Fav 19 5937 1616
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

Fav 10 7206 1447
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

Fav 36 13340 1666
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

Fav 12 8710 1510
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

Fav 41 5061 7903
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?

Fav 37 4558 1426
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?

Fav 152 2109 6376
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

Fav 21 8682 1232
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

Fav 24 6922 1802
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

Fav 13 5535 1680
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

Fav 63 21320 1640
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

Fav 20 8897 1671
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

Fav 13 6800 1523
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

Fav 22 5750 1244
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

Fav 37 13978 1462
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

Fav 23 12017 1275
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass

Fav 18 7644 1643
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

Fav 25 16039 1837
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.

Fav 30 6732 1419
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.

Fav 20 3947 1130
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

Fav 40 11853 1596
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

Fav 43 9971 1405
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

Fav 32 8653 1425
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

Fav 66 26246 3371
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

Fav 20 12045 1492
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

Fav 30 16448 2139
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

Fav 23 6514 1411
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.

Fav 12 1314 5674
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

Fav 11 5698 2651
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.

Fav 37 8633 1396
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

Fav 63 22478 1748
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

Fav 29 15043 1681
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

Fav 21 9195 1573
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57260 7325
share tweet
(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

Fav 21 3326 7326
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.

Fav 18 6356 1472
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Fav 87 26960 5269
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs

Fav 15 5981 1268
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

Fav 14 10307 1445
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

Fav 100 12761 2345
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"

(1-301): View more from Maryland

Soulmates.

Fav 28 4674 1607
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

Fav 45 19954 1707
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

Fav 98 28634 2415
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

Fav 31 5652 2553
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

Fav 25 15097 2081
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28897 3779
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5132
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.

Fav 23 5880 1025
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

Fav 51 18396 1738
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

Fav 26 8368 1633
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

Fav 22 6507 1451
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy

Fav 17 6387 1561
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

Fav 54 11664 1716
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.

Fav 14 4740 1033
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

Fav 20 1462 5071
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29358 1878
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

Fav 20 8295 1532
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

Fav 35 3757 7144
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

Fav 19 5641 1795
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39928 2449
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada

Fav 414 7572 2397
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

Fav 52 10122 1655
share tweet