As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.