Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
