i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
