Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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