I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I CAN MOONWALK!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
she smelled like a LAN party
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she pinky promised me she was 18
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation