New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
it's like heaven, but drunker
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im about as happy as oj after his trial
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It's Friday. Sex?
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.