Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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