Texts From Last Night · cait417's Favorites

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cait417's Favorites Texts:

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(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(513): View more from Ohio

theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"

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(631): View more from New York

I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out

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(206): View more from Washington

Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(360): View more from Washington

I don't think brook has ever known best

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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(314): View more from Missouri

his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?

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(818): View more from California

I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

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(312): View more from Illinois

If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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(+07): View more from

tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(903): View more from Texas

I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(708): View more from Illinois

Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(812): View more from Indiana

No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(305): View more from Florida

Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?

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(409): View more from Texas

Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,

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(217): View more from Illinois

That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.

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(585): View more from New York

there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

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(914): View more from New York

tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(469): View more from Texas

It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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(303): View more from Colorado

am i morally bankrupt?

(970): View more from Colorado

no. its just the recession

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(407): View more from Florida

You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA

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(631): View more from New York

Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.

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(970): View more from Colorado

last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!

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(352): View more from Florida

we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(302): View more from Delaware

I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.

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(512): View more from Texas

I pooped in a mop bucket.

(1-512): View more from Texas

WTF???

(512): View more from Texas

Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

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(347): View more from New York

CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS

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(425): View more from Washington

Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

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(714): View more from California

I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

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(703): View more from Virginia

BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.

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(301): View more from Maryland

My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.

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(819): View more from Quebec

Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?

(604): View more from British Columbia

Each and every day.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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(260): View more from Indiana

A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

I would love to give you more rug burn

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck appropriateness.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(904): View more from Florida

I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.

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(347): View more from New York

k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(917): View more from New York City

so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

(1-917): View more from New York City

you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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(410): View more from Maryland

I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.

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(713): View more from Texas

I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.

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(631): View more from New York

if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(253): View more from Washington

Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.

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(650): View more from California

Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.

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(720): View more from Colorado

well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(213): View more from California

are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town

(1-213): View more from California

well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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(302): View more from Delaware

I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Call meee

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...

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(707): View more from California

Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(206): View more from Washington

Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.

(816): View more from Missouri

i think im in thre room next to you

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(313): View more from Michigan

I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was

(734): View more from Michigan

you're 26.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(310): View more from California

Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire

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(530): View more from California

I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(509): View more from Washington

Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in

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(408): View more from California

um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube

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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(812): View more from Indiana

just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request

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(203): View more from Connecticut

It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

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(518): View more from New York

its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now

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(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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(970): View more from Colorado

Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???

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(416): View more from Ontario

So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.

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(970): View more from Colorado

The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

(352): View more from Florida

I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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