A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
