my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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