So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do