Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
