If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she told me i tasted like america
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
we have pet lesbian snakes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love