and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I wish I could punch you in the face.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.