Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
