BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.