Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.