Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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