Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The best revenge is premature balding
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
turn off your phone and go to bed
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i just sent this text using only my big toe
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I hate your face
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
im so drunk with asians
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Bea Arthur died! :(
Big bird passed.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Come see our sink grown plant.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My liver just broke up with me...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us