Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?