Texts From Last Night · fierceling's Favorites

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fierceling's Favorites Texts:

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today

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(432): View more from Texas

Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!

(334): View more from Alabama

I will chop off your penis

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am naked and annoyed.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.

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(801): View more from Utah

Come camping we have xanax and steaks

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(607): View more from New York

I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.

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(518): View more from New York

MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings

(801): View more from Utah

I think incapable of making pants work send help

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?

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(618): View more from Illinois

He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be

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(480): View more from Arizona

I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.

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(903): View more from Texas

Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH

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(843): View more from South Carolina

She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"

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(330): View more from Ohio

can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism

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(954): View more from Florida

I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.

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(806): View more from Texas

i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(979): View more from Texas

Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(828): View more from North Carolina

so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(209): View more from California

he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed

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(609): View more from New Jersey

17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore

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(518): View more from New York

I can't help that I bring out the sex in people

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(303): View more from Colorado

Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT

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(443): View more from Maryland

THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS

(1-443): View more from Maryland

excuse me?

(443): View more from Maryland

I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.

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(458): View more from Oregon

I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Let's have sex in an apple orchard

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(614): View more from Ohio

Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.

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(248): View more from Michigan

By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.

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(817): View more from Texas

There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

new district manager is here. you need to come in early

(630): View more from Illinois

5th mimosa says otherwise

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Give me weed or give me death?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.

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(630): View more from Illinois

At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"

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(937): View more from Ohio

Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.

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(775): View more from Nevada

All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Sex is clearly the solution either way.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?

(330): View more from Ohio

Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.

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(903): View more from Texas

He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.

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(818): View more from California

The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights

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(316): View more from Kansas

Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart

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(269): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work

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(678): View more from Georgia

when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets

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(519): View more from Ontario

Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater

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(334): View more from Alabama

I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys

(703): View more from Virginia

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest

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(540): View more from Virginia

I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"

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(509): View more from Washington

We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!

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(703): View more from Virginia

Casually had to file a missing persons report last night

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(319): View more from Iowa

I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.

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(408): View more from California

i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still

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(310): View more from California

Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.

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(208): View more from Idaho

dont eat that thats our sex nutella.

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(415): View more from California

I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week

(1-415): View more from California

I don't deserve you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.

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(712): View more from Iowa

There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?

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(410): View more from Maryland

He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."

(410): View more from Maryland

I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day

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(434): View more from Virginia

Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night

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(641): View more from Iowa

He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.

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(760): View more from California

Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs

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(914): View more from New York

DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD

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(208): View more from Idaho

We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.

(636): View more from Missouri

And then audibly agreed

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(513): View more from Ohio

He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Totally acceptable.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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(802): View more from Vermont

laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(540): View more from Virginia

If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.

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(909): View more from California

He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(419): View more from Ohio

... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking

(920): View more from Wisconsin

All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo

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(540): View more from Virginia

Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why is there bacon braided in my hair

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(916): View more from California

you want your laptop back?

(1-916): View more from California

are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?

(916): View more from California

both.

(1-916): View more from California

come over.

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(469): View more from Texas

I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!

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