Texts From Last Night · TheDarkGamer's Favorites

TheDarkGamer's Favorites Texts:

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(813): View more from Florida

MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(907): View more from Alaska

Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in

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(415): View more from California

I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(517): View more from Michigan

On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni

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(847): View more from Illinois

YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY

(765): View more from Indiana

I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.

(701): View more from North Dakota

I've never been so turned off by an omelet.

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(850): View more from Florida

When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems

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(803): View more from South Carolina

What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.

(609): View more from New Jersey

Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder

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(319): View more from Iowa

HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.

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(360): View more from Washington

Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.

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(804): View more from Virginia

As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen

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(407): View more from Florida

That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up

(347): View more from New York

Yeah I hope she's okay.

(347): View more from New York

I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.

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(631): View more from New York

You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.

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(425): View more from Washington

Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.

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(256): View more from Alabama

She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.

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(708): View more from Illinois

No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that

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(425): View more from Washington

Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.

(443): View more from Maryland

Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle

(410): View more from Maryland

I really hate whoever invented fireball.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.

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(315): View more from New York

Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?

(716): View more from New York

It was tough but I powered through it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

either way he's in for disappointment

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold

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(501): View more from Arkansas

PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.

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(219): View more from Indiana

The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.

(928): View more from Arizona

I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.

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(816): View more from Missouri

This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?

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(517): View more from Michigan

You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

How's Vegas?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.

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(425): View more from Washington

I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He just brought a live lobster to the party.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".

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(765): View more from Indiana

he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"

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(909): View more from California

HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN

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(909): View more from California

She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.

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(323): View more from California

I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(516): View more from New York

He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(646): View more from New York

Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf

(1-646): View more from New York

So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot

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(914): View more from New York

That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."

(845): View more from New York

Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?

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(775): View more from Nevada

We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.

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(996): View more from

The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant

(996): View more from

This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.

(512): View more from Texas

Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"

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(419): View more from Ohio

They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.

(419): View more from Ohio

At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.

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(206): View more from Washington

You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"

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(208): View more from Idaho

The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO

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(423): View more from Tennessee

An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown

(217): View more from Illinois

And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing

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(224): View more from Illinois

The UTI came back with a vengeance.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.

(901): View more from Tennessee

But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.

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(303): View more from Colorado

there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I'm pretty sure that's yours.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.

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(251): View more from Alabama

"Accidentally" bump into him after class.

(734): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...

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(951): View more from California

Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying

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(316): View more from Kansas

I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD

(316): View more from Kansas

I AM IN MILD DISTRESS

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME

(517): View more from Michigan

The band club does not count as an orchestra

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(626): View more from California

I made him laugh his dick is mine

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(

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(765): View more from Indiana

I want to bone him until his eyes fall out

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(206): View more from Washington

Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger

(406): View more from Montana

For Who flesh?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Carver called his mom a milf again

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Was it on purpose this time?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.

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(757): View more from Virginia

The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.

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(716): View more from New York

You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine

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(707): View more from California

in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing

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(248): View more from Michigan

idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.

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(954): View more from Florida

He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.

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(970): View more from Colorado

It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...

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(323): View more from California

She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog

(813): View more from Florida

I'm afraid to ask what that means

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(607): View more from New York

I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.

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(530): View more from California

now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil

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(303): View more from Colorado

He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.

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(815): View more from Illinois

he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked

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(495): View more from

you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation

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(773): View more from Illinois

He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable

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(718): View more from New York

I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece

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(818): View more from California

I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.

(818): View more from California

Turns out it's a fake number.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle

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(908): View more from New Jersey

A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.

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(561): View more from Florida

I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something

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(206): View more from Washington

I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament

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(850): View more from Florida

There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got

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(301): View more from Maryland

You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.

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(903): View more from Texas

Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.

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(315): View more from New York

There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.

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(404): View more from Georgia

That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you

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(513): View more from Ohio

My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He called his dick the "gentle giant"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom

(862): View more from New Jersey

I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE

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(626): View more from California

I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.

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(212): View more from New York

He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.

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(619): View more from California

I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands

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(518): View more from New York

ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens

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(319): View more from Iowa

I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?

(203): View more from Connecticut

NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.

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(207): View more from Maine

I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere

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(510): View more from California

"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.

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(912): View more from Georgia

They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED

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(905): View more from Ontario

not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now

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(219): View more from Indiana

My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."

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(616): View more from Michigan

You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook

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(905): View more from Ontario

Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle

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(224): View more from Illinois

My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

whose oscar?

(203): View more from Connecticut

the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

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(810): View more from Michigan

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.

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(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.

(865): View more from Tennessee

Spopky scrzy skeletonssz

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.

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(805): View more from California

We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(559): View more from California

Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.

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(512): View more from Texas

I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.

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(727): View more from Florida

I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.

(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.

(651): View more from Minnesota

Looks like I won that one

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(712): View more from Iowa

Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ

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(972): View more from Texas

You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted

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(858): View more from California

I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.

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(419): View more from Ohio

She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.

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(207): View more from Maine

Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.

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(206): View more from Washington

I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM

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(727): View more from Florida

Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.

(253): View more from Washington

I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?

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