Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the condom got lost in my hair
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
