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Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I need to stop coming to work sober
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
its not stalking. its research.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
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