Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
im so drunk with asians
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway