Texts From Last Night

marandal85's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now. http://tfl.nu/0rnz
  Replies (4) Good night (2611) Bad night (445)
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable http://tfl.nu/3me5
  Replies (7) Good night (2995) Bad night (417) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (213): View more from California

  Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

  (1-213): View more from California

  best text I've received ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (213): Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon. (1-213): best text I've received ever. http://tfl.nu/3obm
  Replies (16) Good night (4704) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me. http://tfl.nu/w1nr
  Replies (18) Good night (5763) Bad night (401)
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem http://tfl.nu/ll71
  Replies (6) Good night (3038) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it. http://tfl.nu/oche
  Replies (8) Good night (1622) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms. http://tfl.nu/079r
  Replies (31) Good night (2755) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (808): He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married. http://tfl.nu/414x
  Replies (18) Good night (833) Bad night (2159) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/qu4g
  Replies (3) Good night (3304) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times... http://tfl.nu/ibyk
  Replies (15) Good night (5464) Bad night (912) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life. http://tfl.nu/6ito
  Replies (10) Good night (884) Bad night (2521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me. http://tfl.nu/cvaz
  Replies (9) Good night (2047) Bad night (1166) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  I hate ducks.

  (916): View more from California

  What?

  (916): View more from California

  they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): I hate ducks. (916): What? (916): they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck. http://tfl.nu/gesm
  Replies (55) Good night (3268) Bad night (625)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone http://tfl.nu/r2zj
  Replies (37) Good night (3827) Bad night (790) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (234): View more from Ohio

  if we break up, who will get the dealer?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (234): if we break up, who will get the dealer? http://tfl.nu/k5oc
  Replies (8) Good night (1353) Bad night (4269) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry. http://tfl.nu/4osi
  Replies (9) Good night (4496) Bad night (883) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man http://tfl.nu/qpf8
  Replies (18) Good night (3919) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life? http://tfl.nu/au0e
  Replies (13) Good night (5038) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all. http://tfl.nu/v9t7
  Replies (6) Good night (2862) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick?? http://tfl.nu/vxvq
  Replies (12) Good night (3145) Bad night (1377) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook. http://tfl.nu/a58w
  Replies (23) Good night (6824) Bad night (544) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (772): View more from Florida

  Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (772): Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks http://tfl.nu/26ja
  Replies (4) Good night (2793) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing" http://tfl.nu/damz
  Replies (27) Good night (625) Bad night (3769) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night. http://tfl.nu/j04h
  Replies (19) Good night (6982) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother. http://tfl.nu/z8j5
  Replies (28) Good night (1592) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man http://tfl.nu/9o60
  Replies (43) Good night (6292) Bad night (893) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me. http://tfl.nu/z6ig
  Replies (20) Good night (9429) Bad night (1512) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology. http://tfl.nu/cnij
  Replies (34) Good night (1019) Bad night (3612) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  youre going to kill that woman one of these days

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings (856): youre going to kill that woman one of these days http://tfl.nu/m946
  Replies (25) Good night (4123) Bad night (638)
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er
  Replies (20) Good night (8532) Bad night (1230) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
  Replies (65) Good night (27838) Bad night (1804) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from England

  I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment. http://tfl.nu/zeo3
  Replies (37) Good night (7000) Bad night (724)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry. http://tfl.nu/7406
  Replies (19) Good night (701) Bad night (3073) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain? http://tfl.nu/ptj1
  Replies (7) Good night (3156) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt http://tfl.nu/myrk
  Replies (35) Good night (490) Bad night (4324) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated. http://tfl.nu/xw0x
  Replies (17) Good night (16761) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship. http://tfl.nu/j0tt
  Replies (13) Good night (6433) Bad night (1349) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant! http://tfl.nu/toiz
  Replies (18) Good night (1624) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

  (406): View more from Montana

  And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Amen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out. (406): And we all know God doesn't like sinners. (701): Amen. http://tfl.nu/nq0i
  Replies (14) Good night (6436) Bad night (621)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight http://tfl.nu/3mek
  Replies (17) Good night (2987) Bad night (495) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/3lsk
  Replies (52) Good night (11248) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't. http://tfl.nu/nrau
  Replies (13) Good night (1428) Bad night (3740) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila. http://tfl.nu/1ja2
  Replies (6) Good night (3037) Bad night (754) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (763): My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats. http://tfl.nu/m7i1
  Replies (1) Good night (1599) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Adam has been drinking

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  Who has his phone

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Adam does

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): Adam has been drinking (1-810): Who has his phone (810): Adam does http://tfl.nu/tl53
  Replies (15) Good night (7571) Bad night (625)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

  (314): View more from Missouri

  you can't hurt those

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over (314): you can't hurt those http://tfl.nu/gmcq
  Replies (7) Good night (4432) Bad night (867)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me http://tfl.nu/wgqk
  Replies (9) Good night (1572) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go. http://tfl.nu/d64s
  Replies (10) Good night (4134) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut. http://tfl.nu/y3au
  Replies (13) Good night (4517) Bad night (890) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  What's going on tomorrow?

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nothing, it's Wednesday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): Let's make jello shots for tomorrow (1-913): What's going on tomorrow? (913): Nothing, it's Wednesday http://tfl.nu/pnp1
  Replies (29) Good night (10641) Bad night (862)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3 http://tfl.nu/cutl
  Replies (32) Good night (5256) Bad night (1582) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference http://tfl.nu/k6zm
  Replies (33) Good night (6562) Bad night (1196) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp
  Replies (21) Good night (7801) Bad night (1098) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish http://tfl.nu/24oc
  Replies (27) Good night (5267) Bad night (710) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet. http://tfl.nu/qfk7
  Replies (47) Good night (1006) Bad night (4372) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
  Replies (109) Good night (39854) Bad night (1922)
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids http://tfl.nu/0arl
  Replies (11) Good night (869) Bad night (1089)
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself? http://tfl.nu/fcpr
  Replies (19) Good night (907) Bad night (2594) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen http://tfl.nu/tcr3
  Replies (20) Good night (603) Bad night (5188) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer. http://tfl.nu/s996
  Replies (22) Good night (4431) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride. http://tfl.nu/51rz
  Replies (22) Good night (5595) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married. http://tfl.nu/sari
  Replies (27) Good night (698) Bad night (5199) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse. http://tfl.nu/jxr4
  Replies (25) Good night (1166) Bad night (3838) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there http://tfl.nu/dyet
  Replies (14) Good night (5499) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (574): View more from Indiana

  So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.

  (574): View more from Indiana

  Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (574): So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap. (574): Side Note: My mute button doesn't work. http://tfl.nu/2spl
  Replies (10) Good night (593) Bad night (3594)
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave http://tfl.nu/loh3
  Replies (26) Good night (8028) Bad night (560)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm... http://tfl.nu/v0t6
  Replies (21) Good night (1028) Bad night (7646) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building. http://tfl.nu/xm6j
  Replies (12) Good night (9345) Bad night (1407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough http://tfl.nu/ltrw
  Replies (15) Good night (3562) Bad night (907) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C. http://tfl.nu/06rr
  Replies (23) Good night (6916) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  That baby is bound to be under-loved.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy. (651): That baby is bound to be under-loved. http://tfl.nu/j5h4
  Replies (10) Good night (975) Bad night (3818)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff. http://tfl.nu/tizj
  Replies (32) Good night (1065) Bad night (15094) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up. http://tfl.nu/oxuw
  Replies (26) Good night (7902) Bad night (1137)
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles. http://tfl.nu/gk4i
  Replies (12) Good night (7211) Bad night (700)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him. http://tfl.nu/v8g0
  Replies (14) Good night (5624) Bad night (726) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles. http://tfl.nu/x8s9
  Replies (15) Good night (6816) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back. http://tfl.nu/ap60
  Replies (27) Good night (6737) Bad night (961) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later." http://tfl.nu/4lz3
  Replies (14) Good night (2278) Bad night (3590) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart. http://tfl.nu/xlbc
  Replies (37) Good night (6758) Bad night (1467) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night http://tfl.nu/v4yn
  Replies (73) Good night (1148) Bad night (12717) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items" (973): That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic" http://tfl.nu/yk9d
  Replies (13) Good night (4442) Bad night (887)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you? http://tfl.nu/4jb3
  Replies (22) Good night (9260) Bad night (6111) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE http://tfl.nu/7vd6
  Replies (9) Good night (901) Bad night (4484) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  You're such a slut.

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I prefer opportunist.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): You're such a slut. (318): I prefer opportunist. http://tfl.nu/49c1
  Replies (27) Good night (6412) Bad night (821)
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
  Replies (47) Good night (47540) Bad night (2092) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through. http://tfl.nu/bvv7
  Replies (20) Good night (7034) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Succeeded.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life? (503): Succeeded. http://tfl.nu/i020
  Replies (7) Good night (4462) Bad night (514)
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared. http://tfl.nu/7yxr
  Replies (13) Good night (5519) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter http://tfl.nu/90no
  Replies (15) Good night (5520) Bad night (921) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Why does tequilla always make you text me?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate. (240): Why does tequilla always make you text me? http://tfl.nu/qeax
  Replies (13) Good night (3977) Bad night (669)
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?" http://tfl.nu/fmqf
  Replies (57) Good night (775) Bad night (3897) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks http://tfl.nu/wbdh
  Replies (32) Good night (800) Bad night (6987) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger. http://tfl.nu/azyx
  Replies (8) Good night (1214) Bad night (5704) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single? http://tfl.nu/navn
  Replies (35) Good night (6763) Bad night (1195) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night. http://tfl.nu/2nh3
  Replies (20) Good night (3994) Bad night (1731) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours http://tfl.nu/ud9t
  Replies (27) Good night (6121) Bad night (1584) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  Sounds like a baby waitign to happen

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586) Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24 (1-586) Sounds like a baby waitign to happen http://tfl.nu/ch1a
  Replies (3) Good night (700) Bad night (1013)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning. (1-781): I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon. http://tfl.nu/wxu1
  Replies (19) Good night (5930) Bad night (503)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar? http://tfl.nu/vt9e
  Replies (2) Good night (1230) Bad night (438)
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later http://tfl.nu/x9e9
  Replies (9) Good night (6215) Bad night (784) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date??? http://tfl.nu/obkl
  Replies (30) Good night (6307) Bad night (1121)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it http://tfl.nu/sdds
  Replies (14) Good night (5590) Bad night (863) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka. http://tfl.nu/zb0y
  Replies (10) Good night (5739) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

  (805): View more from California

  1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning (805): 1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992. http://tfl.nu/ljqj
  Replies (31) Good night (4534) Bad night (651)
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper. http://tfl.nu/lg2v
  Replies (26) Good night (10602) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!! http://tfl.nu/t5uq
  Replies (80) Good night (7216) Bad night (2391) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce. http://tfl.nu/u88l
  Replies (15) Good night (5555) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on... http://tfl.nu/l298
  Replies (67) Good night (2020) Bad night (964) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do? http://tfl.nu/4exj
  Replies (48) Good night (1365) Bad night (5835)
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world. http://tfl.nu/0fm4
  Replies (9) Good night (6442) Bad night (969) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one. http://tfl.nu/wrt6
  Replies (34) Good night (9270) Bad night (854) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I just made out with a guy for $7.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I just made out with a guy for $7. http://tfl.nu/nc9g
  Replies (17) Good night (1262) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
  Replies (179) Good night (85907) Bad night (3079) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (1-415): View more from California

  What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

  (415): View more from California

  Irish Spring?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (1-415): What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey? (415): Irish Spring? http://tfl.nu/ebnx
  Replies (20) Good night (4200) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home http://tfl.nu/gzni
  Replies (26) Good night (13241) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you http://tfl.nu/ee4s
  Replies (11) Good night (1387) Bad night (2764) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt
  Replies (36) Good night (16040) Bad night (1151) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
  Replies (116) Good night (65455) Bad night (3904) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck http://tfl.nu/rnye
  Replies (5) Good night (1203) Bad night (3417) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
  Replies (47) Good night (28646) Bad night (1077) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have http://tfl.nu/u3xa
  Replies (17) Good night (1057) Bad night (5839) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/zo0y
  Replies (17) Good night (7170) Bad night (922) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs http://tfl.nu/gf82
  Replies (71) Good night (2140) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that. http://tfl.nu/cfj7
  Replies (7) Good night (3298) Bad night (1038) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no. http://tfl.nu/n7ti
  Replies (6) Good night (5199) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse http://tfl.nu/0v20
  Replies (12) Good night (4623) Bad night (1085) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I want my thong back.

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I hate you tequila.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (763): I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong... (612): I want my thong back. (763): I hate you tequila. http://tfl.nu/u481
  Replies (16) Good night (4871) Bad night (703)
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone http://tfl.nu/esjp
  Replies (68) Good night (6339) Bad night (1406) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  bl l w

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): bl l w (201): this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel. http://tfl.nu/4an5
  Replies (63) Good night (8281) Bad night (580)
• Favorite

  (252): View more from North Carolina

  He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (252): He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm. http://tfl.nu/eaqz
  Replies (58) Good night (2140) Bad night (6046) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write... http://tfl.nu/09db
  Replies (10) Good night (1617) Bad night (4087) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover? http://tfl.nu/ok2o
  Replies (13) Good night (7981) Bad night (646) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life. http://tfl.nu/4h73
  Replies (22) Good night (547) Bad night (2956) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww

  (1-613): View more from Ontario

  no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww (1-613): no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call http://tfl.nu/pane
  Replies (27) Good night (869) Bad night (4092) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were. http://tfl.nu/i5vx
  Replies (5) Good night (5785) Bad night (1291) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen. http://tfl.nu/gj69
  Replies (38) Good night (12605) Bad night (1066) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI http://tfl.nu/4msy
  Replies (30) Good night (1661) Bad night (4235) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar http://tfl.nu/ulgt
  Replies (27) Good night (2759) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom http://tfl.nu/qu7d
  Replies (17) Good night (946) Bad night (3586) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student. http://tfl.nu/quj8
  Replies (26) Good night (10026) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up. http://tfl.nu/jzsw
  Replies (8) Good night (611) Bad night (2986) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome http://tfl.nu/zb92
  Replies (30) Good night (2655) Bad night (6296) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother. http://tfl.nu/be9n
  Replies (86) Good night (3855) Bad night (7466) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out. http://tfl.nu/zite
  Replies (19) Good night (4542) Bad night (1089) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made. http://tfl.nu/5n54
  Replies (12) Good night (1320) Bad night (4225) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever. http://tfl.nu/nvrl
  Replies (19) Good night (659) Bad night (6458)
• Favorite

  (489): View more from

  watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (489): watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on . http://tfl.nu/coqw
  Replies (48) Good night (5824) Bad night (1008) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks. http://tfl.nu/pxy6
  Replies (24) Good night (1546) Bad night (4425) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting. http://tfl.nu/ppub
  Replies (16) Good night (4003) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications http://tfl.nu/d1qr
  Replies (21) Good night (7262) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping. http://tfl.nu/d4lu
  Replies (15) Good night (781) Bad night (2077) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended http://tfl.nu/y5kg
  Replies (13) Good night (3247) Bad night (956) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order. (1-614): I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale! http://tfl.nu/h6yb
  Replies (50) Good night (5133) Bad night (718)
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. http://tfl.nu/rrn9
  Replies (117) Good night (2993) Bad night (11686)
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works. http://tfl.nu/ca8d
  Replies (4) Good night (5612) Bad night (1293) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car. http://tfl.nu/3f74
  Replies (16) Good night (3310) Bad night (577)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into? http://tfl.nu/n657
  Replies (32) Good night (773) Bad night (3816) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch http://tfl.nu/y65i
  Replies (78) Good night (12370) Bad night (664) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters. http://tfl.nu/0ibe
  Replies (12) Good night (576) Bad night (2925) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue http://tfl.nu/zfyk
  Replies (8) Good night (4587) Bad night (1233) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad? http://tfl.nu/ilwk
  Replies (37) Good night (7786) Bad night (1281) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (985): I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me. http://tfl.nu/zadb
  Replies (11) Good night (4019) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money. http://tfl.nu/foav
  Replies (15) Good night (4721) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp http://tfl.nu/1q8y
  Replies (23) Good night (4659) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong. http://tfl.nu/rar8
  Replies (20) Good night (3752) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room. http://tfl.nu/ia7u
  Replies (8) Good night (721) Bad night (3480) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month. http://tfl.nu/7dyi
  Replies (29) Good night (14519) Bad night (884)
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either... http://tfl.nu/vddq
  Replies (45) Good night (650) Bad night (6854) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila. http://tfl.nu/ecf3
  Replies (15) Good night (4887) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything http://tfl.nu/13bs
  Replies (49) Good night (713) Bad night (6238) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating http://tfl.nu/7lhs
  Replies (24) Good night (5966) Bad night (472) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping http://tfl.nu/9juf
  Replies (5) Good night (599) Bad night (1003) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey" http://tfl.nu/8m25
  Replies (29) Good night (6581) Bad night (1457) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
  Replies (85) Good night (3271) Bad night (39400) Order T-Shirt