I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
