He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Then again, he has huge mansions.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
were you high?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Put some vodka in it
put some vodka in it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?