I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
