It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.