Texts From Last Night · iowawashington's Favorites

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(252): View more from North Carolina

It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.

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(770): View more from Georgia

To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.

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(231): View more from Michigan

btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"

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(517): View more from Michigan

at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

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(510): View more from California

Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"

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(804): View more from Virginia

Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.

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(727): View more from Florida

I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?

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(815): View more from Illinois

So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...

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(308): View more from Nebraska

this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.

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(315): View more from New York

He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

oh my god i'm in a crawl space

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(719): View more from Colorado

I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me

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(801): View more from Utah

He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.

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(716): View more from New York

I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?

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(415): View more from California

handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond

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(314): View more from Missouri

you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"

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(619): View more from California

Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.

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(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk

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(707): View more from California

She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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(319): View more from Iowa

Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?

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(303): View more from Colorado

im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre

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(225): View more from Louisiana

she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.

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(719): View more from Colorado

im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!

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(716): View more from New York

Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?

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(333): View more from

im calling her cock vulture from now on

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(740): View more from Ohio

I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

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(713): View more from Texas

Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...

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(425): View more from Washington

If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.

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(518): View more from New York

plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

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(305): View more from Florida

she said she was living bicuriously through me.

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(620): View more from Kansas

The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".

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(352): View more from Florida

Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation

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(314): View more from Missouri

On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.

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(516): View more from New York

you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

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(854): View more from

i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews

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(216): View more from Ohio

It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote

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(770): View more from Georgia

I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that

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(415): View more from California

i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth

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(606): View more from Kentucky

can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.

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(415): View more from California

Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.

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(407): View more from Florida

Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I will never swim in a flooded basement again..

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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(302): View more from Delaware

This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.

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(801): View more from Utah

i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?

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(979): View more from Texas

I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...

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(847): View more from Illinois

No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..

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(404): View more from Georgia

Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks

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(519): View more from Ontario

You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now

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(347): View more from New York

i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...

(404): View more from Georgia

sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules

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(804): View more from Virginia

i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks

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(601): View more from Mississippi

we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.

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(909): View more from California

oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take

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(817): View more from Texas

he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time

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(727): View more from Florida

Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(408): View more from California

Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.

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(716): View more from New York

you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."

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(847): View more from Illinois

cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(415): View more from California

Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in

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(940): View more from Texas

going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..

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(989): View more from Michigan

is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"

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(806): View more from Texas

And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...

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(418): View more from Quebec

Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.

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(904): View more from Florida

hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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(631): View more from New York

OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(785): View more from Kansas

my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working

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(315): View more from New York

when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'

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(512): View more from Texas

this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(703): View more from Virginia

rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit

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(816): View more from Missouri

votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads

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(734): View more from Michigan

Walk of Shame today included voting.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(541): View more from Oregon

New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter

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(315): View more from New York

apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.

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(562): View more from California

I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.

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(801): View more from Utah

Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.

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(253): View more from Washington

That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of

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(718): View more from New York

He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

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(817): View more from Texas

he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...

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(206): View more from Washington

How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?

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(830): View more from Texas

Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.

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(718): View more from New York

He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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(206): View more from Washington

i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

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(713): View more from Texas

I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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(432): View more from Texas

then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.

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