I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
