Texts From Last Night · foreverfallen1's Favorites

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foreverfallen1's Favorites Texts:

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(540): View more from Virginia

all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

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(904): View more from Florida

I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Did you hit it?

(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.

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(077): View more from

it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.

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(650): View more from California

PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?

(773): View more from Illinois

No - puma.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it

(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you talking about my vagina?

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(713): View more from Texas

You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm laying in your front yard are you home

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(801): View more from Utah

hey, what are you doing tonight?

(646): View more from New York

sleeping, g'night!

(801): View more from Utah

but i wanted to see you :(

(646): View more from New York

sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!

(646): View more from New York

stop - you have a right hand - use it!

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(564): View more from Washington

I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.

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(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm going to jail i love you

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(858): View more from California

He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.

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(703): View more from Virginia

threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.

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(260): View more from Indiana

3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I've never been more proud of you

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(706): View more from Georgia

so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I'm banging this nun...

(314): View more from Missouri

Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...

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(618): View more from Illinois

oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.

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(650): View more from California

from now on my penis is your penis

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(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room

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(818): View more from California

We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier

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(847): View more from Illinois

this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

whatever it's not my family

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(740): View more from Ohio

she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"

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(440): View more from Ohio

I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"

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(636): View more from Missouri

At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"

(314): View more from Missouri

You fucking left with him didn't you?!

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now

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(650): View more from California

Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?

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(816): View more from Missouri

He's been sleeping iwht ***

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Nooo

(816): View more from Missouri

Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb

(816): View more from Missouri

And then hit her in the face with a shovel

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You love popeyes more than me

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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(416): View more from Ontario

No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her

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(847): View more from Illinois

the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(567): View more from Ohio

you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.

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(323): View more from California

hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.

(323): View more from California

to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.

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(757): View more from Virginia

everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!

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(310): View more from California

If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.

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(424): View more from California

Do u kno any dealers?

(1-424): View more from California

I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(514): View more from Quebec

just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

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(516): View more from New York

Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.

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(540): View more from Virginia

he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod

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(720): View more from Colorado

You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party

(423): View more from Tennessee

so no drinking for you?

(615): View more from Tennessee

don't be silly

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...

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(815): View more from Illinois

come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

told you he was gay.

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(503): View more from Oregon

My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.

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(317): View more from Indiana

After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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(614): View more from Ohio

he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(416): View more from Toronto

The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(850): View more from Florida

I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.

(303): View more from Colorado

well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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