if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
