Texts From Last Night

robot406's Favorites Texts:

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  (914): View more from New York

  she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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  (914): she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it" http://tfl.nu/fy2z
  Replies (41) Good night (13003) Bad night (1066) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

  (904): View more from Florida

  FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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  (614): Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing. (904): FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift http://tfl.nu/ws8p
  Replies (17) Good night (7167) Bad night (773)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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  (774): My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight. http://tfl.nu/ukm0
  Replies (20) Good night (4461) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

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  (917): i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing http://tfl.nu/u02m
  Replies (21) Good night (5015) Bad night (1588) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.

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  (701): Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives. http://tfl.nu/vpi4
  Replies (22) Good night (7114) Bad night (1257) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.

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  (209): His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants. http://tfl.nu/6g5r
  Replies (15) Good night (873) Bad night (6211) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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  (206): Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking. http://tfl.nu/kuj0
  Replies (11) Good night (643) Bad night (3894)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office

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  (336): 1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office http://tfl.nu/b4dd
  Replies (18) Good night (4646) Bad night (295) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.

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  (856): smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life. http://tfl.nu/69tk
  Replies (33) Good night (7077) Bad night (504)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  fireball beer pong. youre missing out

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  how is that even possible?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  ove gloves.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  be there in ten.

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  (908): fireball beer pong. youre missing out (732): how is that even possible? (908): ove gloves. (732): be there in ten. http://tfl.nu/dpvx
  Replies (30) Good night (8420) Bad night (774)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex

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  (978): i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex http://tfl.nu/k76b
  Replies (5) Good night (3843) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina

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  (504): it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina http://tfl.nu/k8v5
  Replies (16) Good night (600) Bad night (7981) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.

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  (573): I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn. http://tfl.nu/8enu
  Replies (13) Good night (618) Bad night (3751) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"

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  (918): My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?" http://tfl.nu/ksw8
  Replies (13) Good night (4884) Bad night (751) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.

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  (919): We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad. http://tfl.nu/rfuh
  Replies (25) Good night (1663) Bad night (5622) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."

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  (703): She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet." http://tfl.nu/u6hh
  Replies (28) Good night (1108) Bad night (3868) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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  (646): They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?! http://tfl.nu/7uj0
  Replies (10) Good night (6433) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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  (940): nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that http://tfl.nu/ymub
  Replies (20) Good night (8901) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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  (814): What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners." (423): Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A. (814): No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay. http://tfl.nu/o5wb
  Replies (23) Good night (8807) Bad night (911)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love

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  (609): He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love http://tfl.nu/lok4
  Replies (47) Good night (3135) Bad night (7237) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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  (781): the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator http://tfl.nu/8mwn
  Replies (32) Good night (11381) Bad night (849) Order T-Shirt
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

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  (239): I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high.. http://tfl.nu/0y5k
  Replies (19) Good night (4862) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"

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  (307): So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that" http://tfl.nu/5p37
  Replies (8) Good night (896) Bad night (4161) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin

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  (203): Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin http://tfl.nu/pqe0
  Replies (26) Good night (4745) Bad night (914) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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  (802): I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job. http://tfl.nu/xzx3
  Replies (41) Good night (6934) Bad night (1214) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

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  (204): Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now. http://tfl.nu/lhag
  Replies (41) Good night (1106) Bad night (5678) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman

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  (703): he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman http://tfl.nu/zmqz
  Replies (22) Good night (3992) Bad night (2036) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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  (513): You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs. http://tfl.nu/utqj
  Replies (35) Good night (7672) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

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  (201): Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable. http://tfl.nu/oy8s
  Replies (27) Good night (5086) Bad night (622) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

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  (716): she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless. http://tfl.nu/eill
  Replies (29) Good night (6157) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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  (317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic http://tfl.nu/lvdi
  Replies (16) Good night (15043) Bad night (852)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.

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  (206): i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual. http://tfl.nu/myfw
  Replies (23) Good night (5362) Bad night (1515) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  that's your solution for everything

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  (773): I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best (1-773): that's your solution for everything http://tfl.nu/v8le
  Replies (36) Good night (6741) Bad night (944) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

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  (647): Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar. http://tfl.nu/rv9o
  Replies (27) Good night (946) Bad night (9357) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

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  (703): apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies http://tfl.nu/vhuy
  Replies (76) Good night (1103) Bad night (6424) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?

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  (315): i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now? http://tfl.nu/2nou
  Replies (16) Good night (3640) Bad night (873)
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  (972): View more from Texas

  They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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  (972): They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas. http://tfl.nu/lamz
  Replies (41) Good night (4129) Bad night (6995) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Did u at least say sorry?

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  (732): I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet. (908): Did u at least say sorry? http://tfl.nu/m6e4
  Replies (42) Good night (830) Bad night (7885)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  True romance of the 21st century.

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  (410): He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too. (1-410): True romance of the 21st century. http://tfl.nu/laza
  Replies (61) Good night (12458) Bad night (873)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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  (918): Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm. (1-918): And she used to have such long ones. Sad. http://tfl.nu/v7eg
  Replies (23) Good night (848) Bad night (5271) Order T-Shirt
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  (564): View more from Washington

  I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.

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  (564): I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home. http://tfl.nu/c3b2
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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  (703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake". http://tfl.nu/w0jz
  Replies (77) Good night (17720) Bad night (2149) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.

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  (518): Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy. http://tfl.nu/8m2c
  Replies (17) Good night (4838) Bad night (1211) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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  (912): There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up. http://tfl.nu/juwj
  Replies (24) Good night (9714) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.

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  (610): Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots. http://tfl.nu/yy52
  Replies (75) Good night (1124) Bad night (5910) Order T-Shirt
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.

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  (857): Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility. http://tfl.nu/agqx
  Replies (39) Good night (1184) Bad night (4093) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'

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  (205): When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life' http://tfl.nu/863e
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.

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  (902): I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor. http://tfl.nu/v10d
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  (450): View more from Quebec

  I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...

  (450): View more from Quebec

  On that note, do I have a rule?

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  (450): I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc... (450): On that note, do I have a rule? http://tfl.nu/u1td
  Replies (15) Good night (4438) Bad night (781)
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  (925): View more from California

  DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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  (925): DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR http://tfl.nu/ynfk
  Replies (42) Good night (10636) Bad night (1002) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.

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  (419): He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/bo6z
  Replies (22) Good night (655) Bad night (7158) Order T-Shirt
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  (626): View more from California

  Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life

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  (626): Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life http://tfl.nu/vx9t
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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  (773): She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win. (1-773): Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married http://tfl.nu/w32w
  Replies (19) Good night (866) Bad night (7143)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?

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  (419): So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out? http://tfl.nu/bixu
  Replies (48) Good night (603) Bad night (11664) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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  (513): i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom. http://tfl.nu/yu7b
  Replies (23) Good night (6575) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me

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  (512): it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me http://tfl.nu/0mob
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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  (937): Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover http://tfl.nu/h2d8
  Replies (56) Good night (2715) Bad night (6143) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.

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  (847): Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals. http://tfl.nu/x5r2
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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  (413): You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief. http://tfl.nu/eaos
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  What the fuck?

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  (406): Its weird to pet your cat with a boner (1-406): What the fuck? http://tfl.nu/9pm4
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  (518): View more from New York

  and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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  (518): and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card http://tfl.nu/bprl
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  (408): View more from California

  Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it

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  (408): Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it http://tfl.nu/ddbo
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

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  (304): I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab http://tfl.nu/wqq0
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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  (480): Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis". http://tfl.nu/fly1
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

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  (316): I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex" http://tfl.nu/rqj6
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this

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  (807): Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this http://tfl.nu/x0os
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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  (813): I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this? http://tfl.nu/o9lt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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  (604): Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit. http://tfl.nu/890j
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets

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  (414): I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets http://tfl.nu/vdn6
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  (949): View more from California

  I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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  (949): I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird. http://tfl.nu/xcpk
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?

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  (541): Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone? http://tfl.nu/1eib
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.

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  (972): I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches. http://tfl.nu/t94t
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  (760): View more from California

  The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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  (760): The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper. http://tfl.nu/pbch
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.

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  (321): The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers. http://tfl.nu/lnvf
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha

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  (203): I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha http://tfl.nu/635d
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid

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  (203): I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid http://tfl.nu/8jas
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.

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  (302): I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn. http://tfl.nu/nwzi
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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  (216): She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it. http://tfl.nu/064r
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever

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  (540): just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever http://tfl.nu/k011
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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  (203): Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that. http://tfl.nu/1tq2
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  (714): View more from California

  She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

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  (714): She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep. http://tfl.nu/k8wl
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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  (503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass. http://tfl.nu/xi9h
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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  (501): recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree. http://tfl.nu/wbc5
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  (805): View more from California

  My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes

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  (805): My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes http://tfl.nu/ouc0
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?

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  (312): Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo? http://tfl.nu/uk9c
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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  (313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ" http://tfl.nu/pk0t
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  (512): View more from Texas

  My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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  (512): My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context. http://tfl.nu/nfjx
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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  (208): My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat. http://tfl.nu/4rv6
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.

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  (309): And whoever invented the condom should be put to death. http://tfl.nu/pkgn
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

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  (708): She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin. http://tfl.nu/wbej
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  (713): View more from Texas

  splinters make it hard to masturbate

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  (713): splinters make it hard to masturbate http://tfl.nu/uhm3
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.

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  (570): Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning. http://tfl.nu/1c0i
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.

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  (608): I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear. http://tfl.nu/lmzy
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  ..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop

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  (514): ..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop http://tfl.nu/2wez
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  ill be there in 5.

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  (812): through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife. (847): ill be there in 5. http://tfl.nu/y9p2
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity

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  (403): There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity http://tfl.nu/85sl
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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  (708): I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza http://tfl.nu/44q3
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.

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  (850): You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line. http://tfl.nu/m4ec
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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  (425): Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange. http://tfl.nu/6ccw
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.

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  (540): I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans. http://tfl.nu/xkea
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  It was the best sex i've ever had.

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  (540): That was the scariest sex i've ever heard.... (1-540): It was the best sex i've ever had. http://tfl.nu/k8p9
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  (315): View more from New York

  Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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  (315): Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left. http://tfl.nu/77za
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.

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  (610): it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again. http://tfl.nu/0grs
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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  (443): dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though. http://tfl.nu/36m5
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  (631): View more from New York

  she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

  (516): View more from New York

  nope.

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  (631): she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"? (516): nope. http://tfl.nu/1bih
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  (845): View more from New York

  The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.

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  (845): The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor. http://tfl.nu/klg7
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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  (308): i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj . http://tfl.nu/vtaw
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

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  (254): I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time http://tfl.nu/rajz
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place

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  (843): the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place http://tfl.nu/6i8c
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?

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  (203): Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook? http://tfl.nu/084o
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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  (732): Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out http://tfl.nu/au0t
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.

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  (205): The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with. http://tfl.nu/ihrj
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.

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  (210): I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low. http://tfl.nu/u768
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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  (605): i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here." http://tfl.nu/dk13
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  (516): View more from New York

  She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass

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  (516): She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass http://tfl.nu/tdnt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.

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  (469): I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed. http://tfl.nu/fhfj
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  (516): View more from New York

  Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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  (516): Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me... http://tfl.nu/nenj
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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  (610): As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet. http://tfl.nu/swmp
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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  (314): he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting" http://tfl.nu/dmjy
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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  (302): dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit http://tfl.nu/61qr
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  (714): View more from California

  i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick

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  (714): i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick http://tfl.nu/4tuf
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.

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  (248): Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed. http://tfl.nu/2aby
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.

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  (901): He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him. http://tfl.nu/u51w
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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  (816): dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock... (1-816): Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings. (816): that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it. http://tfl.nu/66g0
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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  (336): I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality http://tfl.nu/g1bs
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.

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  (313): Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays. http://tfl.nu/zion
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken

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  (508): The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken http://tfl.nu/dqor
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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  (603): got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes" http://tfl.nu/m7wu
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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  (540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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  (847): We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate. http://tfl.nu/z0ff
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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  (708): Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex" http://tfl.nu/sy7y
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  (518): View more from New York

  med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.

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  (518): med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV. http://tfl.nu/e3eb
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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  (662): I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits" http://tfl.nu/79pd
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

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  (905): He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later. http://tfl.nu/c4t5
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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  (770): Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives??? http://tfl.nu/8m9c
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

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  (507): there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut http://tfl.nu/7k06
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels

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  (330): i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels http://tfl.nu/84kp
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.

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  (+44): So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors. http://tfl.nu/2asp
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me

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  (647): it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me http://tfl.nu/r4c5
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

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  (208): His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood. http://tfl.nu/55rt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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  (214): Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer. http://tfl.nu/r45y
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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  (248): You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/unry
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl

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  (770): theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl http://tfl.nu/qhni
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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  (204): some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city http://tfl.nu/k6ti
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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  (973): Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car http://tfl.nu/9e8r
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night

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  (740): Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night http://tfl.nu/r09y
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

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  (614): trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room. http://tfl.nu/9qb1
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

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  (248): When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal. http://tfl.nu/vbhe
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

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  (479): I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle. http://tfl.nu/61o1
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  (707): View more from California

  I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.

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  (707): I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her. http://tfl.nu/kq4i
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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  (765): He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder. http://tfl.nu/7khc
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers

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  (586): Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers http://tfl.nu/65ag
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

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  (623): Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy. http://tfl.nu/cg4z
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??

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  (732): Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen?? http://tfl.nu/vnhk
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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  (913): I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself http://tfl.nu/n2u9
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes

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  (902): You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes http://tfl.nu/flaw
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.

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  (443): Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now. http://tfl.nu/xaw7
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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  (303): I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight http://tfl.nu/nfvu
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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  (602): So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better. http://tfl.nu/qcgw
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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  (816): Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe http://tfl.nu/ye00
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried

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  (908): i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried http://tfl.nu/sini
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

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  (414): they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed???? http://tfl.nu/zsp8
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