she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????