Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
