Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She even gives head with a lisp.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
they're like a gay fantastic four
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great