Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I came so hard my ears popped.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I got copblocked.
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas