i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job