just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Quick, to the slutcave!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.