Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her