Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You drinking a lot?
Define a lot
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Some milfs here doing some blow
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.