I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....