Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He passed out mid-signature
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.