i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize