After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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